I haven’t blogged for a couple of days for various reasons. The biggest reason is that Mother’s day was kinda hard on everyone. Sure, we were with friends, but it didn’t help that Emma wasn’t physically here for Ellen’s first Mother’s Day. It was really difficult for me to simply buy a couple of cards for Ellen, let alone a gift, so I just kept the celebration small. Ellen also expectedly had a hard time keeping perspective (and I would too) as this was not how she hoped to welcome this day.
Reflecting upon Mother’s Day allowed me to understand what was really important. That thought has been circulating in my head since we arrived in Austin, Texas. We drove up and down I-35 (aka “Old Texas 81″) trying to see if Emma left a sign for us. Alas, nothing was to be had. One night in Austin, I had a dream where I was preparing for my own wake. In my dream, I handed out copies of the movie “The Big Lebowski” to all of my friends and told everyone the haphazardness of the movie was representative of my life. The really odd thing is that I had never actually seen this movie, but I sorta knew that it was an internet cult classic. Maybe Emma was sending me another message? I read about the movie, and discovered the ending (excerpted from Wikipedia):
They take Donny’s ashes to a beach, where Walter offers a lengthy eulogy
complete with Vietnam War references. He scatters Donny’s ashes, but a
gust of wind blows much of the ashes onto the Dude’s face. Upset, the
Dude lashes out at Walter. Walter apologizes and hugs the Dude, before
suggesting, ‘Fuck it, man. Let’s go bowling.’
Ellen’s thinks this message is from Emma trying to let us know that life goes on, and not to worry. I have no clue what it means… Should we take Emma’s ashes to a beach? I don’t know, but I’ll be renting the movie when I get home.
Austin was pretty relaxing, we spent 3 days there basically lounging and playing with my buddy’s kids. Then we headed to New Orleans where we spent 2 days swimming and eating. Ellen and Ella LOVED New Orleans. The best thing about these 5 days was that we weren’t rushed and spent a lot of time with each other instead of doing touristy sight seeing.
We have now driven 5,000 miles and I’ve starting to understand one thing. This whole journey is not about searching for answers, its about enjoying what we’ve got. Ellen, Ella and my friends and family are all still with us. Ella is changing everyday. She’s starting to talk and eat solid food. I’ve understood that I’m supposed to be enjoying life because it can all come to an abrupt end in a split second. As a father, I will continue to dedicate my life to my family and friends, not my job and other liabilities that society imposes on me. This will be my guide going forward and I think this is what Em was trying to show me.
As we reach the apex of our journey, this thought will be my driver to the next destination. Next destination is Savannah, Georgia.
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